Natalia.
It is haunting me. It is coming, I know it is. I have seen it outside standing by the front door: static but ready, decided but dubious; you see it?
It had been warning me all along: it was everywhere. I don’t know why I acted so irrational when it finally consumed me, leaving nothing but dust behind, I mean, I had seen it coming since the day I was born, you know?
I worked so hard not to think of it that it defeated the purpose: the more I tried not to, the more I thought of it, just like every memory you want to forget badly enough as to end up turning it into a constant reminder. It was these unwanted, constant reminders that dragged me down Insanity Rd. and into the dark gap of the brain where all disturbing memories fall. I was lost in a vast, pitch dark hole surrounded by all the resented memories of my cruel life. I gathered them all, one by one; I embraced them, brought them out of the hole with me and practiced them with others as to not be ashamed of myself: all except for the one that terrified me the most, the one I worked the hardest not to think of, and even though I tried to bury it for good, I was still horrified of it on my better days, and I must admit that, on the worse ones, I still craved it, but my body resisted to invite it anyway.
Experiencing new things was always my main interest; you know, exploring the unexplored, seeing the unseen, hearing the unheard - those sorts of amazing events that only happen if you are or seek to be in the right place at the right time. You can distinguish their superb magnitude because you and your body react to it frenetically and simultaneously.
It’s easy to recognize the moment your body finds something (or someone) fascinating: your heart starts pounding, your jaw drops - and you know you can’t fight the feeling, - I mean really, sometimes you can’t control the way your body responds. And you recognize you, [insert your name and last name here], have found something fascinating because you stare at the object of your excitement, study it, and enjoy it in silence, shameless, without any bodily interruptions.
What I’m trying to say is that new experiences cause in me, as they may in you, simultaneous mental and physical fascination: my ultimate, most desired pleasure. Dazzling happiness reflected in an astonished smile, shock and satisfaction spilling out my furiously-pounding heart - is what I’m talking about. Why didn’t my mind and body react this way to a potential new experience? The thought of it certainly didn’t cause any pleasure in me; it didn’t excite or fascinate me, I mean, it did make my body react but not in a pleasurable way: it didn’t meet any of the characteristics experiencing something new causes in me, not before and not at the time it happened; maybe and most likely because I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what would happen after, when the action was completed, or how to take advantage of that experience after it was over.
Oh, you mystically tempting and frightening evil force! Laughing at the lonely fools you get to terminate. You know I dreaded you like the majority of us sane ones, so why did you take me with you? How could you invade the privacy of my home? But I guess it’s too late for questions now, I must rest in peace, and don’t you people worry for my soul, for it will be haunting you like death was me.
I am coming, you know I am. You have seen me outside, standing by the front door: static but ready, decided but dubious; you see me?
It had been warning me all along: it was everywhere. I don’t know why I acted so irrational when it finally consumed me, leaving nothing but dust behind, I mean, I had seen it coming since the day I was born, you know?
I worked so hard not to think of it that it defeated the purpose: the more I tried not to, the more I thought of it, just like every memory you want to forget badly enough as to end up turning it into a constant reminder. It was these unwanted, constant reminders that dragged me down Insanity Rd. and into the dark gap of the brain where all disturbing memories fall. I was lost in a vast, pitch dark hole surrounded by all the resented memories of my cruel life. I gathered them all, one by one; I embraced them, brought them out of the hole with me and practiced them with others as to not be ashamed of myself: all except for the one that terrified me the most, the one I worked the hardest not to think of, and even though I tried to bury it for good, I was still horrified of it on my better days, and I must admit that, on the worse ones, I still craved it, but my body resisted to invite it anyway.
Experiencing new things was always my main interest; you know, exploring the unexplored, seeing the unseen, hearing the unheard - those sorts of amazing events that only happen if you are or seek to be in the right place at the right time. You can distinguish their superb magnitude because you and your body react to it frenetically and simultaneously.
It’s easy to recognize the moment your body finds something (or someone) fascinating: your heart starts pounding, your jaw drops - and you know you can’t fight the feeling, - I mean really, sometimes you can’t control the way your body responds. And you recognize you, [insert your name and last name here], have found something fascinating because you stare at the object of your excitement, study it, and enjoy it in silence, shameless, without any bodily interruptions.
What I’m trying to say is that new experiences cause in me, as they may in you, simultaneous mental and physical fascination: my ultimate, most desired pleasure. Dazzling happiness reflected in an astonished smile, shock and satisfaction spilling out my furiously-pounding heart - is what I’m talking about. Why didn’t my mind and body react this way to a potential new experience? The thought of it certainly didn’t cause any pleasure in me; it didn’t excite or fascinate me, I mean, it did make my body react but not in a pleasurable way: it didn’t meet any of the characteristics experiencing something new causes in me, not before and not at the time it happened; maybe and most likely because I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what would happen after, when the action was completed, or how to take advantage of that experience after it was over.
Oh, you mystically tempting and frightening evil force! Laughing at the lonely fools you get to terminate. You know I dreaded you like the majority of us sane ones, so why did you take me with you? How could you invade the privacy of my home? But I guess it’s too late for questions now, I must rest in peace, and don’t you people worry for my soul, for it will be haunting you like death was me.
I am coming, you know I am. You have seen me outside, standing by the front door: static but ready, decided but dubious; you see me?
No comments:
Post a Comment